Sarah Maria Davis Thatcher, Diary, 1878-1887

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Scope and Contents

The diary of Sarah Thatcher includes irregular entries from 1878 to 1887. Only 44 pages of the 177 page ledger book are filled with diary entries. On the five succeeding pages there are several items posted to the pages. These are: a certificate of proficiency in the Tonic Sol'Fa Method of singing dated February 12, 1864; an undated sheet of paper labeled "Flour Acct;" a newspaper clipping (undated) entitled "Easter Thoughts Turn From Vain Things to the Eternal Verities;" a newspaper clipping (undated) describing the International Council of Women held in Washington, D. C. in 1888; two newspaper clippings (undated) on home remedies; and a handwritten account of hours worked and pay due (source and date unknown). Sarah's diary is a short but dramatic record of the torment and deprivation of a polygamous marriage. Sarah was a well educated, articulate diarist with a sardonic wit. But she also had a strain of melancholia and self-doubt which ill-suited her to a life as a second wife. Sarah lived in a constant state of despair and bitterness. The diary begins in January, 1878, five years after Sarah married John Bethuel Thatcher. John's first wife Rachel (Sarah's sister) her children, and Sarah all lived in the same house in Logan. Sarah frequently sought refuge at her mother's home in Salt Lake City where she spent months at a time away from John and Rachel. In 1870 John built Sarah her own home where she enjoyed some independence but found herself even more isolated from the affectionate companionship she desired. When John and Rachel moved to Gentile Valley, Idaho in 1881, Sarah was forced to sell her house and move into Rachel's old home in Logan. John visited infrequently, leaving little for Sarah's material support. In January 1882 Rachel was killed in an accident and Sarah, with her two young sons, moved to Gentile Valley to care for Rachel's children. The bonds of her marriage long since shattered by emotional neglect, physical hardship, and family strife Sarah found life with John in Idaho unbearable. She returned to Logan in June of 1884. Gaps in the diary make Sara's activities for the next two years unclear. In June 1886 she moved into a new home in Logan once again. After 1886 Sarah's life became more peaceful as she enjoyed the quiet of her own home, the companionship of her children and greater fellowship in her Church. The final entry in the diary is dated September 18, 1887. Extracts follow:
Tuesday, January 1, 1878 (Logan, Utah)
"Once more I start a journal, the entries in which will undoubtedly be brief ones."
Thursday, January 3, 1878
"...I feel perfectly demented lately. Yesterday afternoon J.[ohn] brought Miltie home stating he'd been dead drunk down on the ice. Mother T.[hatcher] gave him a bottle of whiskey to take to Mary, and he went off with it and drank enough to make him drunk."
Monday, January 29, 1878
"...Yesterday R.[achel] had a 'big dinner' or family dinner. Father and Mother T.[hatcher] and Jane, Joe and Hannah, Aaron and Mary, Harriett, Geo. and Luna, Lettie and Sr. Farr, and Charley and Mary Hurst. I couldn't even put on the potatoes to cook right. What under heavens was I born for I wonder....[My mother] expects to have to give up her home soon, for the prospects of having the mortgage foreclosed are looming up. I wish I could help her get a home, but my hands are tied now."
Thursday, February 14, 1878
"...Valentin's Day! No more for me from this time henceforth."
Wednesday, February 27, 1878
"One week ago today my first-born child made his entrance into this world of trial and preparation for the great hereafter. God give me wisdom and power to train him in the way he should go that his life may be one of righteousness, thoroughly devoted to the cause of truth!...The thought of the responsibility connected with the raising and training of children had filled me with dismay for months. I have my convictions and plans but circumstances as they are now will prevent my carrying them out. And the future--as it now appears, and unavoidable--I dread! Oh! I dread it. I thought, some time in the past, that I knew a little bit about myself but now-a-days I exist in a state of perfect bewilderment....I get so dispairing when I think of my past hopes, plans and expectations, and my present life. Circumstances control me to such an extent, because my nature is so very yielding and weak; and where there is so much superiority of will power and judgment in those with whom one is associated... the situation becomes a trying one to certain sensibilities. I craved love and sympathy too much to think of being a polygamous wife if I had only realized it."
Thursday, March 7, 1878
"...Yesterday father and mother T.[hatcher], Moses and Lettie were down here to dinner and my baby was blessed by Moses. He is named Franklin Davis Thatcher. Moses[s] gave him the best blessing I ever heard given a child under the same circumstances."
Saturday, March 16, 1878
"...I am afraid next month will be stormy, and I don't wish it to be for I want to go down home, and John said this morning we would see how the weather is [at] Conference time, and maybe I could go.... I fully expect to have work during the summer, and I certainly ought to do everything I possibly can to help pay my way. I'm not earning my salt now, let alone my bread and potatoes. It seems like there is something wrong about me having such an easy time just now in every way, when Rachel had such a hard time. She undoubtedly draws a comparison."
Monday, March 18, 1878
"Saturday evening I received a little wrapper from mother for baby...I was much surprised for I never dreamed of getting a present from her. John said to Gil[bert] "She never sent you a wrapper." Will there always be feelings if I receive anything without her getting the same I wonder? I don't get favors everytime she does."
Sunday, April 14, 1878
"...Gil[bert] has been scratching the baby again this morning and I told him I'd box his ears till they would ring if he didn't stop it. I wasn't out of the room five minutes...and when I came in G[ilbert] was just leaving the chair and there were a number of scratches on his [the baby's] head two of which were bleeding. He has scratched him quite a number of times before and Wed. he hit him in the head with a rock."
Thursday, June 27, 1878
"I'm in Salt Lake again. At home with mother. Left Logan June 7th....Thurs. Geo. Thatcher told mother I would be down next day, and so she invited a few of the young folks to go to the depot to meet me. Bought strawberries, and cooked up some nice things to have a little supper after my arrival."
Tuesday, October 22, 1878
"Today is John's birthday. He is forty four years old. The 23d of last Aug. Rachel had her eleventh child. A boy."
Thursday, October 24, 1878
"...Mother expects to start for St. George the second of next month, and wishes me to go down and keep house for the boys but John is opposed to it. I want to go so badly, but I have no money to pay my way this time. Wish I could earn some. Propose doing the housework here this winter to save expense."
Thursday, October 31, 1878
"Mother will probably not go to St. George. Her health is poor and I can't go to keep house for her....John was elected President of the Y. M. M. I. Association last Monday."
Wednesday, December 25, 1878
"We have all been up to Moses' today. He had quite a crowd....I enjoyed myself much better than I expected."
Thursday, January 2, 1879
"...Johny asked me to go to a party tomorrow night. Hardly know what to do about it. It was a year ago Tuesday since I got this book and only seven pages written. Not much for reference."
Thursday, January 9, 1879
"...Day before yesterday the Supreme Court of the U. S. gave its decision in the Reynolds polygamy case. It decided that the law of '68 is constitutional, and that R.[eynolds] pay the fine imposed and be imprisoned the length of time allotted by the lower courts. The laws of our country now absolutely outlaw such persons as yours truly."
Monday, February 3, 1879
"...Several days ago I asked John if I could go home. He said he thot I was home. I said I didn't think so. Yesterday I asked again and he said I couldn't have asked for means in a worse time as he'd just bought Johny's harness. Then wanted to know how long I wished to stay. I said six months. He said nobody down there wanted me to board that [long]. Afterwards [he] said I might go but he wanted me to come back [by] Conference for he intended putting me in my own house before six months were up if he could scrape together enough money to get me a stove. Strange! that a man with about twenty years experience in housekeeping didn't know it would cost something at least to keep another family, and, if he couldn't afford it he shouldn't have undertaken it. I didn't know he was so poor, for years ago he spoke of making me a happy home... and of course, I thot he could afford it....If I could only have a little place to myself somewhere else, how much better it would be."
February 13, 1879
"I expect to start home next Saturday. Wrote to Frank to meet me at the depot. I'll be so glad if I get off. John says I must come back [for] Conference, but I don't want to promise anything of the kind, for I'd like to stay four or five months."
Sunday, April 13, 1879
"I returned from mother's last Wed.....I expect to go to housekeeping soon now, the sooner the better, I think. I'll always be an idiot now anyway I can fix it I guess. Hattie is going to try to come up this summer. I would like her to very much. But maybe I wouldn't enjoy it as I once would have done, for everything is different now. I am utterly discouraged. I once took such pleasure in studying and learning. There seems to be such a weight of restraint on my mind as to entirely preclude understanding or remembrance."
Tuesday, April 15, 1879
"At the Annual Conference just past Moses Thatcher was appointed one of the Twelve Apostles in place of Orson Hyde, lately deceased. A great many think John will be appointed to take his place as Pres. of the Stake. I would rather he would have the place than anyone else here. I hope Preston won't get it....I expect to go to housekeeping soon now. Shouldn't wonder the stove would be bought today; it's payday."
Sunday, April 20, 1879
"My stove came Friday. I moved nearly all my things over yesterday....Slept here last night. The first night I ever slept here, I was entirely alone; last night I had my baby boy. God willing, I'll not be alone any more. Lizzie, R. [achel's] girl--thinks this such a nice little house, and said last night, "Now, if you only had a husband coming home to you every night how nice it would be." I'm afraid if I did I might "worship man" a little too much."
Tuesday, April 29, 1879
"Father Thatcher died Sunday (April 27, 1879) night at 18 minutes before twelve.... The scene was heart-rendering. He suffered dreadfully. Later. John has just been over and talked to me in so comforting a way, that it has taken a great load off my heart. I dreaded his coming over here for, I felt afraid of him. But he told me as God was his witness, his heart was full of love for me and my little ones. But I realize how he is placed for he was married to her so long before as his wife, and it hurts her so. Oh! if I could be patient. If I could only do right everything will be satisfactory some time."
Tuesday, May 6, 1879
"We rec'd a postcard from father yesterday stating that grandmother died the 26th of April. Just one day before father T.[hatcher]. She was 86 yrs. old last Oct. I think."
Friday, May 9, 1879
"Just three weeks tomorrow since I moved, but am only prepared now to start housekeeping in earnest. Quite an era in my experience! What a variety of commencements!
Sunday, May 25, 1879
"...J.[ohn] told me last Wed. that if he came here to stop it would be on Thurs. or Fri. maybe both. He couldn't make any rules. Would always stay over there Sat. night in order to get ready for missionary work Sun.....[Johny's] birthday dinner [last Thursday] was the first meal [John] had eaten here. And supper that same day was the last."
Tuesday, June 10, 1879
"June 9th is quite a memorable day for me[.] I've been thinking today. In the first place Frankie cut his first tooth, nearly sixteen months old too. Next John bo't me a nice stone jar to put my butter down in and, thirdly he got me a large looking glass.... I am wondering and wondering what I'll do this winter here alone. Would like to go and live with mother, only it is so far from John. Still he never enters this house oftener than once a week, so I don't suppose he could care if we were a million miles away."
Tuesday, July 1, 1879
"I went over to [Rachel's house to] help today, and R.[achel] told me she could do what there was to do herself, so long as the baby kept well. That means my room is better than my company I presume and that our bother is greater than my help. I wanted to help, and felt like I was doing so, but I guess not."
Saturday, July 26, 1879
"...The 24th was a very lonesome day to me. Towards evening I went up to mother [Thatcher's], and oh! how I wished I had my own mother's to go to for a little while. John never comes here, and no one else calls in to relieve the monotony of my existence. I think I have made the last visit I'll make for some months....John says he is going to build a porch and buttery on the west side of this house, but when I see the men go to work I'll consider I may count on it."
Wednesday, September 24, 1879
"A week ago this evening I had another little son. A ten pounder this time; a fat little darling.... Sr. Baugh is nursing me. I'll do alone--with Hattie's help--after the baby is ten days old, and Rachel says she will keep one of the girls from school to help me but I don't want one of her children kept from school to wait on me."
Tuesday, October 14, 1879
"Twenty seven years old today! And three years married."
Sunday, April 11, 1880
Friday I returned from a long visit to the city bringing Lizzie Ann with me. I left here the 30th of last Dec.....John was down about two weeks after I got there and stayed one night....I made Frank a little coat out of mother's old satine [sic] dress and John lectured me...because it was so stylish, when all the style consists in a few little velvet straps across the back. I like it. While I was away John had a kitchen and cellar started for me. I shall be glad when they are done."
Sunday, May 25, 1880
"My cellar, kitchen and well are finished so I can use them, yesterday."
Sunday, June 6, 1880
"...John told me the other night that I made a complete failure in the training of my children. Then I said I did the very best I know how, and that there was a difference in the disposition of children, and they had to be treated differently, he said it was the training that made them different."
Monday, June 7, 1880
"...How much better off I am than I was last summer! Then I had just the two rooms and what was absolutely necessary. Now I have an additional room, a cellar, a well, and several needful and handy articles about the house. I am thankful."
Sunday, July 4, 1880
"...Johny has gone to [Salt Lake] to buy him a wagon, and will bring my secretary back with him. Father is making it for me. Told me when I was down that he had never done much for us younger ones and wanted to make something we could keep after he was gone. He will give Frank a secretary also, and R. [achel] a bureau....I sent for Ruth [to help with the housework] and John doesn't like it. Oh! I do get so lonesome and blue sometimes, that I am nearly crazy. But John says it will be three or four dollars extra expense."
Sunday, July 11, 1880
"...Mother T.[hatcher] called over here a few minutes about two weeks ago; the first time she'd been here since Roy was a month or two old....Suppose I said something awful when she was here. John had got me calico for two dresses and ten yards for aprons for myself and children. R.[achel] told Mother T.[hatcher] that day that John grumbled at getting so much calico for me, and she told him he mustn't get any more wives if he couldn't keep the ones he had. He said he was going to get one who could keep herself next time. That made me angry, and I said I didn't think he'd find many that would do better than I had, for it was the first time he'd bought me any calico dresses and this is the fourth summer I've been his wife. R.[achel] said Oh! I'd had one before. Yes, but that was off of a bolt of damaged calico that only cost six cts a yard, I said. I think they'd better throw that at me. That dress cost 55 cts."
Sunday, July 18, 1880
"...John ate dinner here Friday, but he bro't Gil[bert] as usual. I don't mind once in a while, but if it's going to be a regular thing I object."
Sunday, August 8, 1880
"Somebody--mother I think--is sending me the Household. John says it isn't worth reading, but he says a great many things."
Sunday, December 5, 1880
"So long since I have written any in this!...went to the city; mother was sick....Have had a great deal of work on hand ever since. Have done about ten dollars worth of knitting since, besides R.[achel's]."
Sunday, January 9, 1881
"Johny went down to the city to spend New Years, and L.[izzie] A.[nn] writes me he and Will Card spent most of their time at the billiard hall. I think as she does: the less he visits Salt Lake the better....J.[ohn] sent word he would be here to dinner New Years (he hasn't eaten or stayed here since the first of November) so I asked [Rachel] too, but she wouldn't come.
Wednesday, February 16, 1881
"...Rachel had been very sick, had no girl, so for two weeks I was over there working for her. It will be four weeks next Sunday since she was taken."
Monday, May 16, 1881
"...I had a little daughter born the 14th--mother's birthday--which I shall name Sarah after her."
Sunday, May 22, 1881
"...John gave Gil[bert] and Henry each ten cents to give in [to the Temple fund] but he never gave Frank any money but once in his life, and that was ten cents New Years day, which I've put away as a curiosity among my "treasures."
Friday, June 24, 1881
"Fanny Thatcher is visiting Logan, and yesterday she was here. I enjoyed her visit very much but made a fool of myself as usual by getting so nervous and excited that I hardly knew what I was trying to do at all."
Thursday, August 10, 1881
"John has bo't a farm in Gentile Valley (in connection with others) and intends going up there next week. The bargain was completed yesterday."
Sunday, August 28, 1881
"John and Miltie went to Gentile Valley last Wed. Don't know how long they will remain. Mr. Spencer is to have this house the 1st of October. Leased for one year. The partners with John are George W. Thatcher and Wm. B. Preston. Equal shares. The cost was $4500; making $1500 each....I understand now I am to remain in Rachel's house, so I'll keep my piano. John talks of renting the front of the house."
Sunday, September 25, 1881
"Last Monday John moved me over to R.[achel's] house and Wednesday morning they started for Gentile Valley. Haven't heard from them yet."
Sunday, October 16, 1881
"Last Friday I was twenty nine years old....Moses Thatcher returned from Mexico last week and called here Thursday. Yesterday I promised to rent three rooms to Br. Stewart, also lately returned from Mexico."
Sunday, October 23, 1881
"Bro. Stewart called today to say his wife is coming Thursday, so I'll have to empty the rooms forthwith. Will and Milt came home from Gentile Valley Friday for goods. John is going to start a store there.... Frank Merrill talked me into having a $55 machine last Monday much against my will. I gave my note for $19 and am allowed till next January to pay it in and no interest."
Thursday, November 3, 1881
"...Had a letter from John today ordering me to return the machine to Frank Merrill and have him refund the money. J.[ohn] won't be down this fall."
Monday, December 26, 1881
"Christmas is past! I've been dreading it for weeks because I had no money to make presents, and I felt like I ought to give Johny something if nobody else as he is from home [on his mission]."
Wednesday, February 1, 1882
"On Tues. Jan 17th the saddest event of my life befell us. The kitchen roof at Gentile Valley fell in and killed Rachel. How can I take a mother's place in caring for her children? Why is it oh Father, why is it, she so capable and willing must leave them?"
Wednesday, May 31, 1882 [Gentile Valley, Idaho]
"Friday the 19th of this month we all arrived here at Gentile Valley with the expectation of making a home here. We found the house very dirty, the new room unfinished & the bed bugs and mice on the rampage. John talks of building soon. I try to lay no plans for the future but to take everything that comes as cooly as I can. Sometimes I like it well here."
December 25, 1883 [Gentile Valley]
"After all this time of neglect, I once more attempt to write in my journal....The first day of May I had another baby boy. Have named him Raymond.... The 22d day of Aug. I again started for Salt Lake. I had been so unhappy, had been so sorely tried with home matters that I felt it utterly impossible to stay here. I remained in Salt Lake six weeks then came back to try again. John has been kinder and more like himself the most of the time, and that, of course, makes my lot much easier....I left Frankie in Salt Lake with mother when I was last down."
Friday, January 4, 1884
"John got back yesterday afternoon, bringing a girl (Maggie Higginson) to help me. John says he won't pay more than $1.50 per week, he'll do without first. I'm very much afraid she won't be willing to work for that....I feel half sick today, with no earthly reason that I can see."
Saturday, January 12, 1884
"... I am very much worried at getting no word for so long [from mother]. There must be something wrong....Last evening John and the boys went to a party. They wished me to go, but I have very little inclination to go to parties any more. Oh! if I only could hear from home!...I've quit wishing for summer to come."
Wednesday, February 27, 1884
"Have just been writing to mother and Frankie. Oh! I do want to see my boy so badly. I dreamed last night he was dead. I guess I'm somewhat blue. I am making an effort to get along without tea or coffee, but it isn't a very successful effort. I'm decidedly stupid of course."
Thursday, March 27, 1884
"...Susie and A.[rta] D. Young were here evening before last and asked us up there last evening. I felt so miserable, and the baby wasn't well so I tried to get John to go without me. The result was he wouldn't go after I did get in the notion of going. After we'd gone to bed they sent for us. Well I hope I'll never promise to go anywhere again so long as I'm situated as I am. Howard is so mean I feel like pounding him every day."
Wednesday, May 7, 1884
"...There has been trouble for me lately, as usual, about something I've said, and ever so much added to my remark."
Friday, May 16, 1884
"John started for Logan Wed. taking Henry with him and intending to bring back the others. Heaven deliver me!
Sunday, June 8, 1884
"Moses Thatcher and the Presidency of the Stake were here last week, and ordained John Bp. of this Ward on Wed. June 4th. His Councilors are Alma Hale and Arta D. Young. They wish him to take another wife, and I do too. I would be immensely pleased to share the honors. Evening. Have had another dickens of a row with John and he has ordered me off to the other house; with which order I gladly comply. He is calling my children brats yesterday seems to have put the old Nick into one."
Sunday, June 22, 1884 [Logan, Utah]
"I finished moving here last Thursday. Was very tired by the time I got here, and have an abundance of work on hand which I must make a strong effort to get done."
Monday, July 28, 1884
"Last Friday I was taken sick--thro' working harder than I was able and lost my baby. He was born Friday evening and lived about 8 hours. His father blessed and named him Wallace."
Saturday, August 2, 1884
"...I can't sit up yet to amount to anything; was too smart at first. I was so worried. No help only as neighbors accommodated us, and having just fairly commenced....Father gave me a can of peaches, for which I am truly grateful."
Sunday, January 4, 1885
"As today is a somewhat notable day in my history according to my way of looking at it I must make a note of the event. I was set apart to be the 1st, Counselor to Sr. Richards, President of the Relief Society of this ward. I have no experience whatever never having been connected with anything of this kind before, but I hope and pray the Lord will help to magnify my calling, and be an humble instrument in His hands of helping a little in the good Cause."
Monday, March 23, 1885
"...Haven't been able to attend one of the R.[elief] S.[ociety] meeting so far, and my physical condition will soon prevent my going in the future, so I'll be a grand success in this as in everything I've attempted. It would have been better to have never choose [sic] me....My own health has been poor this winter, but I have been able to take things easier than for years, so I manage to keep around. I am so thankful I live by myself tho' constantly dreading something being said regarding going back there. I honestly believe I would rather John would give me the bill he has several times offered than to live with them again."
Sunday, April 12, 1885
"...The subscription to the "News" (sent by mother as a birthday present) expires with her birthday. Oh! how much I wish I had the means to renew it. It has been such a comfort to me, I shall miss it so much. My health being poor I read and rest a good deal. How much I wish I could live in a country where I could have more fruit and vegetables, live more in accordance with the laws of life. It is exceedingly hard to try to keep the Word of Wisdom with nothing but bread, meat and potatoes, with a little dried fruit for a living. And the physical strength gone thro' overwork & unhappiness. I am very thankful indeed for the peace I have enjoyed since living here, but it might have been better sure as life."
June 21, 1886-Logan
"Two weeks ago yesterday I arrived here, "bag and baggage" to once more make my home here. John borrowed $2000 of Albert and mortgaged the old home property as security....[Albert] has given me permission to come here and make my home, rent a portion of the house if I choose and have the rent to help one along. I am very very thankful to Our Father and to him and pray that he and all pertaining to him may be blessed."
Sunday, December 17, 1886
"...I have had so much company since last writing and have been so behind with my work in consequence, that I can scarcely get any letter-writing done, let alone any in this."
Sunday, January 2, 1887
"Today has been a beautiful clear day, and very warm for the season of the year. It seems far more like spring than winter. We had a very pleasant Christmas, peaceful and happy. The little boys have been saving up their money for a long time to get mother a silk handkerchief....[Frank] purchased me a hairbrush--which I'd been wanting a long time but couldn't afford--and Roy got quite a lot of peanuts which they placed in my stocking when I didn't see....I went into debt a little in getting Christmas supplies and felt rather worried over it. Seth, seeing how I felt, sent me a note telling me not to worry, as Moses told them to let me have anything I wanted on acc't and he would see that it was all O.K."
Sunday, January 9, 1887
"...It was two months Thursday since John left here, and only left me $15 to get boots, shoes, yarn, clothing (in part) groceries etc. with for six of us."
Sunday, February 27, 1887
"One of the sunniest, quietest most peaceful days that could be imagined for the time of year! I am not feeling at all strong and how I do enjoy the peace and quiet of my home....God help me to magnify my calling acceptably to Him, and bless and protect my little ones from evil influences I earnestly pray."
Sunday, March 6, 1887
"...Wednesday evening I was set apart to preside over the Y. L. I. A. of this ward."
Sunday, May 8, 1887
"...Tues. John, Milt, Lula, Henry and Frank Thrikle came....I enjoyed John's visit very much he was so kind, and made all the provisions for our welfare he could. We've been married 10 1/2 years, and he bo't the first bedstead he ever furnished for me while down this time."
Sunday, September 18, 1887
"...I have had so many visitors this summer that I've felt perfectly worn out a good bit of the time. Some of them I was so very glad to see that I didn't mind the work."

Dates

1878-1887

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